I haven’t cried since January, since my break up.
I’ve slowly rescinded. I couldn’t communicate coherently much past myself. I have felt an immense heaviness and I’ve tried to bury myself in everything and anything.
But no matter how high I get, or how many men I bring home just for a few hours, I come down, they leave.
The other day, I received a message online from someone saying they hoped we could be friends, that they wanted to talk to me.
Last night we skyped and he reminded me so, so much of my first love. His voice was just as gentle, just as alluring. And his smile was contagious and bright.
We talked for almost two hours, much past my bedtime. We read each other our poems, I was shocked. As soon as we started sharing, I felt the blockage in my heart loosening. I felt comfortable, safe, and vulnerable (a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time.)
At one point he said to me near the end of our conversation, with a lump in his throat, “I know you’re scared, but someone will come who won’t make you feel that way. You’re one of the special ones.”
I couldn’t help but feel he wished it was going to be him. And that he regretted that he was leaving for the Air Force and that meant that this sudden connection would have a sad ending. (Would it? Idealism floods my head.)
At one point he looked down, so honest and blue, saying “don’t make yourself too vulnerable to me, I’m leaving.”
He said he wanted to feel special, to do something special. I told him that I had an idea in mind and maybe before he leaves we’ll do just that. He smiled softly, in just the way that made my heart warm.